Around this time of year, the nation’s Oscar fever begins to spike, leaving us beset by visions of ball gowns and emotionally manipulative advertisements, and the constant use of otherwise unusable words like “garner.” So I’d like to take a step back from such aggressive glamour and examine these Best Films of The Year (according to one particular group of people) from a specialist’s point of view. These films have issues, y’all. For those of us who have hustled out to see them, we’ve been exposed to a whole host of disorders. Not to worry, though—for every Best Picture nominee there is a sure-fire antidote. Unless, that is, you saw Django Unchained. In that case, you’re f*cked.
Amour
This movie was a riveting, beautiful, outstanding nightmare, and will surely take home the trophy for Biggest Bummer. My personal prescription is the always cheery Mary Poppins. Because you really do need a spoon full of sugar after this medicine goes down.
Argo
Oh big man, making Important Political Thrillers and reminding us of a dark and challenging time in our nation’s history, and of how we saved lives by the skin of our patriotic teeth. Now everyone go home and watch Gigli. Oscar-nom or no, we should all remember that this is Ben Affleck we’re talking about.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
There is something about this wild, cooky tail of a spirited youngster and her intrepid struggle for survival that made me think: What Would Fievel Do? I haven’t seen it in, oh, six weeks, but I think An American Tail would have been very helpful for Hushpuppy, had the Bathtub had a DVD player.
Django Unchained
Sorry, but there is no known cure for Django Unchained. The Tarantino cluster is a particularly difficult subset of psychiatric disorders, hopefully to be addressed in the DSM-V. You’re on a bitter, bloody revenge binge now, so let’s keep this freaky ball rolling with Oldboy.
Les Misérables
Thanks, Les Mis, for making the musical theater genre look even more like the weepy, chubby girl who can’t get through the day without going to the nurse’s office for a good whine. While this one is a literal sob story, Woody Allen proved that musical comedies can, in fact, be funny. Everyone Says I Love You is a solid giggle throughout—never more so than when Julia Roberts sings!
Life of Pi
While this is actually a beautiful, engaging drama with a rapidly shifting story, it’s also, mostly, just one guy in a boat. The tiger is a very real character, but he’s not much with words. After nearly three hours of such isolation, I needed an ensemble film so badly. Call me predictable, but I could do with Love Actually, starring everyone and their stepchildren, and absolutely no jungle cats.
Lincoln
OMG, being president is soooo hard, you guys. Slavery is the pits and everyone’s like “I wanna win the war!” “No, I wanna win the war!” Also, women be crazy! Hey Lincoln, being POTUS has some perks! Quit the whining and do your job. I bet one viewing of Head of State and you’ll realize being president doesn’t have to be such a bummer. At least your birthday’s a holiday!
Silver Linings Playbook
I don’t believe in Bradley Cooper. There’s nothing wrong with the crazy-sexy love story, but Bradley Cooper should stick to being that guy who had five lines in Wet Hot American Summer. He was really good at being that guy. We all need to remember that crazy-sexy love was done right twenty years ago with Benny & Joon, and anyone who isn’t Johnny Depp or Mary Stuart Masterson should stay home, or at their respective facilities.
Zero Dark Thirty
Unlike Bin Laden, there seems to be no stopping Jessica Chastain. Not that I’m complaining. But if you’re looking for something a little less gritty than this dark, tense, happened-like-ten-minutes-ago story, then let’s remember Chastain’s big hit from last year: The Help. No terrorism here—unless you count Bryce Dallas Howard!
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
Email: comeinandhaveaseat@gmail.com
Twitter: @mskelseymiller
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